How Stonewalling Can Negatively Impact Your Relationships

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but its success depends on how you approach each conflict. If you and your partner start discussing an upsetting topic and one of you suddenly stops talking, leaving the other feeling angry and alone, it’s easy to feel frustrated. However, it’s essential to address this immediately; otherwise, this behaviour quickly builds resentment that will irreparably damage your relationship.

This behaviour is called stonewalling, which someone does when they want to emotionally withdraw from an argument. While everyone has done this at some point, whether by avoiding eye contact during a fight or clamming up, making this a habit can harm your relationship. Here’s what you need to know about stonewalling and how to deal with it:

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of behaviour a person resorts to when trying to avoid anger by ignoring the conflict unfolding in front of them. The person usually feels overwhelmed by what’s happening to them and begins shutting down to self-soothe. While deferring to silent treatment is common as a coping mechanism, it can wreck relationships when it becomes chronic.

Someone who stonewalls may struggle to express how they’re feeling, finding it easier to remove themselves emotionally from the situation. They may close their eyes, turn away, or keep checking their phones even in the middle of an intense, heated discussion. They may also change the subject or respond with one-word answers to avoid talking. These answers include “I’m done.” “Leave me alone.” “I can’t take this anymore.” “Do whatever you want.” Or “I need to get out of here.”

It’s important to note that stonewalling is usually a defensive tactic acquired in childhood as a response to their parents’ emotional instability or unavailability. Many people incorrectly assume that stonewalling happens only to men, although some older studies suggest that men are more likely to disengage from difficult conversations than women.

How Does Stonewalling Affect Relationships?

At first, stonewalling may not seem like that big of a deal. However, refusing to express what you’re thinking or feeling, especially when a severe issue is concerned, can rapidly worsen the situation. 

It isolates both people involved instead of encouraging you to work together to look for the healthiest, most productive solution. It can even end a relationship since frequently withdrawing during an important discussion will eventually erode your relationship. It also affects your health; you’ll often experience physical reactions like rapid breathing and an elevated heart rate if you stonewall. According to a 2016 study, it was even linked to stiff muscles and backaches.

However, stonewalling can even turn abusive when used to engineer a power imbalance since it enables the other person to choose when and how you’ll communicate about a critical issue. It may quickly turn manipulative that eats away at your self-esteem or makes you feel hopeless, so be sure to keep an eye for it.

How Do You Overcome Stonewalling?

Stonewalling does not mean that the relationship is doomed, although it must be addressed so that everyone feels safe when communicating. One way to overcome stonewalling is to avoid lashing out, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. It can be tempting to force the other person to open up, but it will only cause them to clam up and withdraw further. Instead, let them know you want to hear what they have to say, and the assurance that you’re listening can help de-escalate the situation.

Taking timeouts can also give you both the time you need to process your emotions. Giving each other permission to take a break also helps you both feel reassured. It will also help both people avoid getting too overwhelmed.

Seeking couples counselling can also help you overcome this, as a therapist can help you understand the reason behind the silent partner’s behaviour. When the cause is more apparent, both of you can work to stop stonewalling and communicate more productively.

Conclusion

Stonewalling is a common reaction to conflict, but it can extensively damage a relationship when it becomes chronic. Understanding what stonewalling is and how to overcome it allows you to deal with difficult conversations more productively and enjoy a more conscious, successful relationship.

Chettiar Counselling & Associates offers couples counselling in Cambridge to help you and your partner overcome the difficulties in your relationship. We also have a wide range of services, such as counselling for young adults, students, online counselling, and more. Book an appointment with us today!